she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
