So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
