My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
