I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
