So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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