i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
