Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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