booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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