im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
