It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
