My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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