dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
