just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
