My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You're a waste of cheezeits
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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