I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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