I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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