Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
