Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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