Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
