Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
