Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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