I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
