i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
