dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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