apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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