I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
