I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
