Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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