drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
