he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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