I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
