hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
