the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
