After last night, I could never be a politician.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
