My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
