Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
