Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
