just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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