I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
