Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
