ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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