I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
