Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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