I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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