and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
