fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
