he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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