Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
