I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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