I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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