she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
