This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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