I need to stop coming to work sober
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
