i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
